This 700 Mile Range Electric SUV Is a Late April Fools Joke

by Jack

Move aside Tesla, Lucid Motors, BMW, Ford, literally anyone else, there’s a new chief in town. Elon Musk feast your eyes on Triton and its newly announced Model H electric with 700 miles of range, yeah you read that write. They got the best batteries. 

What? Are you saying that you have never heard of Triton? They are one of the hottest new kids on the block and a subsidiary of TritonSolar. The team over at Triton has been working hard the past 18 months to completely obliterate any single shred of competition in the EV world.

While it has been taking Tesla years to make their upcoming Roadster one of the most aerodynamic cars in the world to achieve just 620 miles of range, Triton was able to throw in a 200 kW into their Cadillac Escalade look-alike Model H, which has the aerodynamic properties of five refrigerators tied together and still manage to claim 700 miles of range.

On top of that 700 miles range, you’ll be able to launch this 7,700-pound behemoth 0-60 mph in just 2.9 seconds and still be able to haul seven additional passengers. Want to smack a Ferrari on the drag strip after picking up your six kids from school? You can do it. What you can also do is tow 26,000 pounds worth of stuff. So about two full-grown African Elephants or about 98,000 bananas. 

With such amazing tech, I imagine that the team over at Triton is filled with some of the brightest engineers on the planet. Unfortunately, after clicking on their “about us” section on their great website (which uses a view counter, in 2020, really?), I was only greeted with the CEO. All I was able to find out about Mr.Patel was that he has “extensive experience in the electronics industry”. Alright cool, I kind of wanted more, maybe they are all hiding in Triton Solar’ about us section. To my dismay, all I could find was brand ambassadors and executive types. Alright, Triton, you are hiding the engineering masterminds, I can respect that.

Maybe its alien technology, who knows?

So how do you acquire the Model H electric SUV? Well, it really couldn’t be simpler. 

Now if you want to be one of the first 100 to pre-order (and why wouldn’t you) you can have the Founder’s Edition of the car. You just need to make a $5,000 credit card payment, followed by a $135,000 wire transfer deposit within five days of the credit card payment. Simple.

When its time for production Triton will contact you to configure the car with the final price. Was that $140,000 you paid the full amount of the car? Will the car cost $1 million upon configuration due to its extreme technology? I do not know. I do not even know what secrets the interior holds because there aren’t any pictures on the site. There also doesn’t seem to be a built example of the Model H. But hey, $140,000 is chump change for us to throw around on faith alone.

Still waiting for the Tesla Roadster? Not anymore you’re not.

(Note: if this was not apparent, please read this with the thickest sarcasm you can muster)

No seriously, a view counter in 2020?

 

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1 comment

Robert Saunders April 19, 2020 - 3:48 am

Never trust a journalist writing about EVs who doesn’t instinctively grok the huge difference between kW and kWh. “Triton was able to throw in a 200 kW into their”

Reply

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